Cigarette Ash
by Anna Wang. October 22. 2021
Just a few seconds after the bell rang, as the dim brilliance hit the tiles, and all grades roamed out of the classroom, I managed to skim out from the crowd. This building is as crowd as it can hold. The intensive smell of sweat and musk was mixed with the sense of youth. Heat waves that jetted out by numerous windows were hitting my skin; feeling like fire, I make it through another day.
I walked along on a minute cobblestone mixed with gravel road by the lake, through the campus forest. This road is always quiet, and occasionally some magpies visit. I like to return home through this route. The grass hydrangea is breathing gently inside their comfy nest by the roadside. Today, how strange, I heard some rustling noises coming from the fountain that usually is empty. What would that be? Even though I should have walked home and ignored this dissonance as I always do, and as my father always told me to do, I cannot control my feet but a step closer with curiosity.
I approached, pushed the large leaves of an abyssal rooted Kiri away. I discovered the classic ivory fountain immediately——its contour depicted by threads of the setting sun, solely resting upon those irresolutely swinging leaves. The foamy water jets up and down in the wave shape of blooming petals. In the center, a thin beam of water column runs up and down, not in any shape; eventually, it sets and exudes a touch of tobacco and tropical woods. I thought I was in Eden again, embraced by those crooked timbers.
That was when I noticed those ugly faces: with the half-crooked student hats, their shirts were halfway opened, revealing their wheat skin. Those senior smokers were leaning beside the fountain cozily. Joking around and making indecent jokes about teachers, destroying such beautiful scenery.
I stood approximately five meters away, frowning.
“What are you staring at?” The blond man casually took the cigarette of the man next to him, then let out a cloud of smoke.
I remained a standing distance away, cannot fully observe their expressions, finally blushed with shame: “Stu…Students are not allowed to smoke on campus, put out the smoke please.”
They suddenly stopped talking and looked straight at me. All three of them laughed out loud with sarcasm; three dense shadows of their tall figures laid flat on the ground seemed to be an enormous black hole. I can hear my tiny, negligible shadow dryly sobbing. The edge of their shadow is a fire that would burn me at any moment, but the center of gravity drawing me in irresistibly.
“Come here.” The blond guy demanded.
After further entanglement, I approached their group gingerly; the sound of the water fountain turned out to be more artificial. I look down again, dark shattered cigarette ashes slip over my white canvas shoes, dropping on the concrete floor in slow motion. Flying, spinning, jumping enthusiastically.
“Try it.” He lighted up a cigarette with a heavy lighter, handing it over to my face. I didn’t move.
“Go ahead, it’s expensive, or else the fire will go out.”
I still did not move.
“Are you a coward?”
Infuriated by his provocation, I took the white-covered, thin cigarette over, and stubbornly gave it a hard suck, letting the smell of the tropical rain forest fill up my body. I felt hot from head to toe, and I was flying in the air like a lighted swallow…I began to cough violently and trembles to hold on to the edge of the fountain. The three guys looked at each other and let out a laugh, while I didn’t know why I laughed too. My line of sight interlaced with their eyes; suddenly, I felt less hatred, but a strange sense of belonging that I cannot simply explain.
My laughter became more severe. I lie down on the grass beside the fountain feebly, seeing the unusual colors of the afterglow, crimson, carbon, caramel…CIGARETTE. They converted into a flaring veil to cover up the crime of the firmament. I hold the first cigarette I have ever taken up high——to a refine angle that it overlaps with the sun. I felt my back pricked by gravel; it wobbled my heart. By greedily breathed out the blue-gray smoke, I was able to watch it disperse into the dark clouds, disappearing.
“See, you are enjoying these, no smoking on campus?” The seniors sat by me, joking, their shadows hanging over me.
Accidentally, soot fell on my school uniform, like a rhino suddenly appeared in the snow. I seemed to wake up from a dream or reacted after an anesthesia surgery. The disgusting smell of tobacco reminded me of my father, a twinge passes through my throat, thrusting my gut. I abruptly sat up from the grass, picked up my bag from the ground, and ran towards the teaching building. I should not have run, I should stay, I should... My face was boiling, which appeared that I was running inside a furnace. A bent twig thrashed my face hard as I ran, I did not stop it from hitting me. I can’t help but think: The destined distorted twig, can I bend it over?
“Hey!” One of them cried. I can hear their mockery and disdain hidden inside every word they spit on my face.
After running for a long time like a pilgrim, I gasped, turning back to cast a glance at the fountain. Water hails shift in various sizes, never the same even in one second. No straight thing was ever made by the fountain. I sought the center column but cannot see clearly, no straight thing was ever made. I stared at my sinful hand, full of regret. At this time, the sun had completely disappeared from the horizon, and the purplish thorn apple-colored night seems to taunt my misfortune and foolishness.
What kind of monster am I? I lifted the residue of the cigarette left in my hand, trying as hard as I can to hold back my tears. Can I? Can I? Suffocating the feeling of nausea, I turned in the direction of the fountain again and took another deep inhalation of the cigarette. Floating, I felt myself lying on the ground, the heels of countless people walking past my eyes, stepping on my body. Through the crystal tears, I saw my classmates gathering, the way they despise me. My teachers, breaking a layer of ice, want to burn me.
My father, did he cry the first time he smoked?